I commute to and from work. I fare dodge most days. Now before the cries of 'Criminal' fill the air, I want to fight my case.

First and foremost, I hate trains. Especially the trains I get. They seem to attract the worst passengers, myself being no exception as I listen to music loudly to drown out the babble of the train and make the journey less arduous.

I keep myself to myself and read a book most days, particularly if I can get a seat, but the journey home usually involves me having to stand as it's a 5pm train out of a major city so it's always pretty busy with workers and shoppers alike.

This is where things go a bit awry for me. I am big on not invading peoples personal space, and them doing the same for me. However on a train as crammed as a Tokyo tube, it can be a little hard. This is where common sense should prevail.

Common sense =

Not bringing on your STUPID bike that you can't be bothered riding to work, or you ride as far as the train station and think you've 'done your bit' for the day. It still amazes me the looks of astonishment on cyclists faces when they realise they may not be able to get their stupid mountain bike on the train due to actual real people getting on. So, until they start charging cyclists to bring their bike onto a train, I refuse to pay.

Prams. They get bigger each year. No wonder children are suffering from obesity in this country, it's possibly because parents are thinking their child looks a little too tiny for the SPACESHIP of a pram they've got, so stuff poor bambino with food to make 'em 'fill it out'. And where's the love these days? Cooing at your child screaming in a pram, clearly in distress at being on a noisy train isn't as good as scooping them up and holding them, and as a result COLLAPSING YOUR CHALLENGER I SPACEBUGGY and storing it away so that other people can board and get off the train without having to wall hug past you. Alot of them have a lazy attitude of 'I'm a parent, we don't have to move, we're MEANT to be a nuisance'. WRONG. You don't do it on a plane do you? There aren't a million prams clogging up the aisle there is there? Why? Because it's a hazard. Same as it is on a train, where you have to prepare to disembark BEFORE it's stopped moving. Why? Because you are making the trek from my seat or standing position to the door, an obstacle course that I have to complete before reaching my goal of the 'Open Doors' button. So until all parents collapse their prams before getting on a train, I refuse to pay.

Chavs - They don't pay, they wreck the train, they hog more seats than is necessary by sitting with their legs wide open or with their feet up on the train opposite. Until chavs pay or are banned from trains or restrained on a train, I refuse to pay.

Then there's where to look. A paranoid person like me needs visual stimulous if I can't read my book because I'm stood sardine-like on the train. I don't want to be accused of things. When I drift off thinking about something I find myself snapping quickly back into reality when I realise I'm staring at someone who looks a little uncomfortable by my glazed expression. So you look around, trying to find somewhere to fix your eyes so you aren't offending.
A jolly black woman - oh no, better not, she might think I don't like black people taking up seats on trains.
A middle eastern man reading a book - no better not, he might think I think he's reading 'How To Detonate A Train Bomb' and thus think he's a terrorist.
Children playing - ah the innocence of youth - wait, no better not, I may get mistaken for a paedophile.
A sign saying I'll be fined if I pull the emergency stop chord. No better not, I may upset people round me thinking I'm bonkers and daft enough to risk a fine to watch everyone go hurtling forwards as I yank the chord manically laughing and shouting "LAAAAAAAAAAAAAST STOOOOOOP!"
A gang of teenagers - nope, I may get beaten up.

So until TVs are installed on trains for me to watch on the way home, I REFUSE TO PAY.

I'm a placid kind of guy most of the time.

I promise.